Bye Bye Pluto!

Bye bye PLUTO! You have been stripped of your status as a planet because you've been hanging around a gay mouse for so long! You should've ditched Mickey and hang out with Goofy instead. Now you're frigged! All textbooks will need to be rewritten. 8 planets left in the solar. What next? De-listing of Singapore as a country? :-P

Apparently Pluto is substantially SMALLER than the moon! Hahahahaha! Took em 76 years to cipher that one out. The remaining planets - Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune and Ur-anus. :-)

If you're a SCORPIO, you're f**ked too - as your ruling planet is now a dwarf! But don't be so hard on yourself, if anyone were to blame, it's your parents, for being lured into the Valentine hoopla. Hahahaha! Pluto is now a dwarf? WTF does that mean? Do we need to rewrite that story about Snow White now that she has eight dwarfs? The 7-Up joke shall never be the same again. LOL!

Now go fly kite Scorpios!

Have a Nice Day!

As another weekend aurora is upon us, I am left to ruminate the voluntary cephalalgia that has besieged me over the last couple of days, no thanks to the new sideline of flip-flopping domains that I am currently belabouring. A steep learning curve. An overnight alteration in my blogging modus operandi has emphatically punctuated my other pursuits.

As for the weekend EPL games, I think normal service should resume with the big guns, Manure, Liverfool, Arsenal and Chelsick. I have made arrangements to watch NACHO LIBRE tomorrow at the Curve before gallivanting off to Hartamas to catch the 1:15am clash against the real Manchester, Man City. :-)

Til then, have a nice day, wherever you are!

The Beginning of an End

Howdy doody. It feels like starting all over again, after having gone through the process of acquiring my own domain and importing entries from my blogger account. It’s a bitch I tell ya. I initially thought of downloading all the images stored at blogger and re-fill the imported posts, then I thought of copying an elite few. Screw it, I shall leave the images there in blogger. is now unofficially open. Please bear with me while I tidy up the site over the next couple of weeks.

Remember "Mind Your Language"?

I bought the 6-disc DVD for RM78 (Viva la piracy!) and watched it over a few days, a couple of weeks ago. I decided to blog about it to educate uncivilised durian gobblers. LOL! Kidding! This, was in all likelihood my favorite comedy in 1984. Uproarious to say the least!

The series was known for its buffoonish take on national stereotypes, the German woman was dour and humourless; the French woman was sexy and flirtatious; the Swedish woman was liberated and straightforwardly sex-mad; the Chinese woman a uncontrolled Maoist; while the Sikh and Pakistani men were often on the brink of war, and the Spaniard, the Greek and the Italian were macho. Much of the humour also stemmed from the trouble the students had with the English language, their often outrageous speech patterns and the students' hilarious mispronunciations of English.

Barry Evans, who played Jeremy Brown was evidently murdered in 1997 at the age of 53. George Camiller, who played Giovanni Cuppello, occasionally acts - last seen in Gospel of John. Kevork Malikyan, who played Max Papandrious, acted in the Flight of Phoenix and Indiana Jones's Last Crusade. Albert Moses, the famous Ranjeet Singh, has his own website Pik-Sen Lim, who played Chung Su-Lee hails from Penang, Malaysia. Francoise Pascal (Danielle Favre) and Anna Bergman (Ingrid Svensson) are both, not in a forthright manner involved in pornography.

Famous Quotes
Ali Nadim (Pakistani) : "Squeeze me please!", "Oh Blimey!", "Jolly Good"
Giovanni Cupello (Italian) : "Santa Maria!", "Holy Ravioli!"
Maximillian Papandrious (Greek) : "Hokay!"
Jamila Rahjha (Indian) : "God heavening!"
Ranjeet Singh (Punjabi) : "A thousand apologies."
Chung Su-Lee (Chinese) : "The Democlatic Lepublic Of China", "...peace-roving Chinese!"
Taro Nagazumi (Japanese) : "Ah-so"
Juan Cervantes (Spanish) : "Por favor?","s'awright"
(Excerpt from

Breaking Benjamin, 2006 Rock Band of the Year

After downloading all of their songs on the new album Phobia, Breaking Benjamin is by far the the best rock band of 2006. Here are some songs off the current album (see right menu), PHOBIA, that corroborates their immanency on the top of the rock pinnacle of 2006. I love 'em! Finally, a ROCK band worth listening to in the 21st century, the last rock band that I enjoyed was Lifehouse.

Remember the name - BREAKING BENJAMIN, a post grunge cum alternative metal band. Apparently the band's name comes from lead vocalist Benjamin Burnley's solo experience when he broke a borrowed microphone and the person who owned it came onstage and stated, 'Thanks to Benjamin for Breaking my fucking mic.' And the rest, as they say, is history. :-)

Of all their albums that I have downloaded, this new album is by far their best work to date. Simply breathtaking! Noteworthy tracks - Diary of Jane, Breath, You, Evil Angel, Until the End, Here We Are, Unknown Soldier, You Fight Me - 8 more reasons to get this album. 8/10

Previous worthy mentions include - Rain, So Cold, Away, Sooner or Later, Forget It.

Elegantly Wasted (An INXS Concert Review)

They came, they sang, they left. No biggie. Most of their new songs were foreign to me. The crowd was at most 4000. The concert was calendared to start at 8:30 but we arrived there at 8:45pm in typical Malaysian fashion. The opening act - whoever they were - sucked!! Local artistes just don't cut it for me. This band exemplified the ultimate lameness - they sang approx 10 songs, and got us all yawning. Pity though, this crowd didn't boo them off the stage although we did, like how I recalled during THAT Bon Jovi concert in 1995, where local act Lost Souls was intimidatedly booed to get lost. I still every now and then cruelly remind the lead singer of the Lost Souls every other weekend - as the dude now plays in a 3-piece band called SWV - at Waikiki's, usually on Saturdays. :-)

INXS showed up at 9:45pm, and the concert ended 2 hours later. JD Fortune looked like an anorectic druggy. But, to be fair to him, I'm sure that it's been a rollercoaster ride since he won ROCKSTAR. Concerts after concerts. He queerly gyrated throughout the concert and lacked the charisma to gee up the ho-hum Malaysian crowd. I give him 3 years before he proclaims to the world that he's homo. Let's face it, these guys, no matter how kickass JD Fortune's vocalization was, and how instrumentally salutary they were, their songs are nowhere near as attention-getting as Bon Jovi's. If you haven't been to a Bon Jovi concert, you're missing out - Jon Bon Jovi ALWAYS interacts with the crowd - a quality of a true entertainer. The best concert however, goes to Michael Jackson (1996). :-)Notice how I keep divagating from INXS? Well, there's truly nothing to write about. I'm disappointed that they didn't sing "THE STRANGEST PARTY", though they sang "SUICIDE BLONDE", 2 of my favorite INXS songs. 6/10

INXS - Never Tear Us Apart, New Sensation, Need You Tonight, Suicide Blonde, Elegantly Wasted, Afterglow, Pretty Vegas, The Strangest Party

Durex Condom Testers Wanted? (18SX)

Who wants to be a condom tester for Durex? Apply here. With that I mean with a partner of the opposite sex, not with your hands or any four-legged creatures. Those are for Sony Ericsson mobile phone users. LOL! Meanwhile, I'll stick (pun not intended) to my time-tested johnny product, the Durex Sensation. :-)

The sensation contains a unique raised-dot texture (over 500 raised dots apparently) to create extra intensity.

Hmmm....another product in the offing...a condom with a 20-minute built-in vibrator. 1 play vibrating Ring and 1 condom in the packet. At least it give Liverpool fans something to screw themselves with.... LOL

Ready to Bounce? (An EPL 06/07 Preview)

Well, I know it's not gonna change anything, with the Money Bags FC (Chelsea) are predictably favourites to win their third title in a row. And if they do, I think we'll need introduce some cockeyed rules like what the F1 body did when Ferrari & Michael Schumacher were bitchslapping McLaren, Renault, BMW, left right centre.

I am not sure whether Arsenal, Man Utd, Liverpool will be able to wrest the title from Chelsea, fingers crossed. Actually, come to think of it, I don't REALLY mind seeing Chelsea or (pride-swallowing gulp) Man Utd winning the league if Arsenal don't. Not Liverpool. My hatred for them knows no boundaries - thanks to their ever-cocky supporters - the same bunch that support shitty England. It's great to see them talk cock and still not win the league in the last 16 years. Will that change? Hopefully not!

Spurs, Arsenal's putatively mortal enemies, have made some interesting buys thus I believe we can't write them off - they should be there among the top 5, snapping at the heels of the top teams. Dennis Bergkamp, Sol Campbell, Robert Pires (hopefully Ashley Cole and Reyes too!) have all but departed the club. On paper, it looks like a severe depletion of experience. But, in hindsight, Arsenal did went beyond expectations to reach the Champions League final last season - and they were assisted by Scrat the Squirrel. Their youngsters have considerably stepped up to the plate and delivered. Though, I'm not sure whether they are capable of taking on a barbarous team like Bolton.

Here are my picks of players from the top 4 teams that I believe is the best in their position (if all are fit):

GOALKEEPER - Cech, Lehmann, Van de Sar, Reina?
Strongest: Cech, Weakest: Reina

LEFT BACK - Clichy, Heinze, Bridge, Riise?
Strongest: Heinze, Weakest: Clichy

RIGHT BACK - Eboue, Neville, Finnan, Ferrero?
Strongest: Neville, Weakest: Ferrero

CENTREBACK - Toure & Senderos, Ferdinand & Brown, Carragher & Hyypia, Terry & Carvalho?
Strongest: Terry & Toure, Weakest: Carvalho & Brown

LEFT MIDFIELDER - Rosicky, Kewell, Giggs, Cole?
Strongest: Cole, Weakest: Giggs

RIGHT MIDFIELDER - Hleb, Pennant, Ronaldo, Robben?
Strongest: Robben, Weakest: Pennant

CENTRE MIDFIELDER - Gilberto & Fabregas, Gerrard & Alonso, Scholes & Carrick, Ballack & Makalele?
Strongest: Ballack & Gerrard, Weakest: Gilberto & Scholes

STRIKER - Henry & Van Persie, Rooney & Saha, Fowler & Bellamy, Shevchenko & Drogba?
Strongest: Henry & Shevchenko, Weakest: Fowler & Saha

Add these into the mix and;

2006/07 Standings

1) Chelsea
2) Arsenal/Liverpool
3) Liverpool/Arsenal
4) Tottenham
5) Man Utd

Marina Mahathir on Religious Stereotyping

I found this article through a radical islamic blogger on petalingstreet. A pharisaical dude who in all likelihood has been living under a coconut husk since he was born. Anyway, this was what Marina Mahathir penned through the STAR newspaper a couple of months ago:

A FRIEND was relating how after her daughter had read the Da Vinci Code, she had wanted to read the Bible. Which is not in itself a bad thing except that she was concerned that an impressionable young mind would not be able to differentiate fact from fiction. Also it seemed that perhaps what was needed is a Da Vinci Code-type book for Muslims to spark off the same level of interest in young people in their own religion.

Except that if anyone tried to write a similar thriller based around Islam, they’d be hounded and pilloried and threatened with death, thousands would riot in protest and people who would never have been able to read the book either because they are illiterate or can’t afford it would have died.

Such is the difference between our religions. While there are many Christians who are upset about the book and movie, they are countering it with seminars and other educational events to balance what is being said in the book, even if the book is only fiction. There have not been Da Vinci Code-related riots or deaths thus far. Which speaks volumes for the adherents of the faith.

It would be nice if everyone could brush off similar challenges and say “we are strong enough to withstand any attack”. I remember when there were riots over Salman Rushdie’s book The Satanic Verses, President Benazir Bhutto commented wryly that the people who were dying over the book were those who would never have read it, or possibly even heard of it if someone hadn’t whipped them into a frenzy. A similar situation arose with the cartoons. As insensitive as they were, they were still not worth dying over.

The point is that people’s impressions of a religion are often related to the behaviour of its adherents. Some religions are thought of as simply kooky because its followers behave strangely. Some are viewed as benign and peaceful because its followers resolutely will not harm a fly.

But when people, supposedly in the name of religion, riot, burn and kill, it can’t help but give the impression of a religion that advocates this, no matter how much we point out that nowhere in religious texts itself does it say you should do this. And unfortunately we get the whole spectrum, from men who publicly insult women on a daily basis without censure to the real crazies.

Recently in New York I had to suffer the embarrassment of having to listen to a Muslim man say to a non-Muslim woman at a forum, “Don’t mess with Muslims, we have nuclear weapons!” There I was trying to dispel stereotypes about violence-prone Muslims and in one fell swoop, this nutcase confirmed every stereotype there was.

Thus far there have been very few Muslim men in the international media who give a good impression.

You Rock My World, Navi Rawat

What do you get when you put a German and an Indian in the same room to get "bonky" with it? Navi Rawat. :-) I was channel-surfing earlier and saw this lame HBO flick about a woman who can read people's thoughts. Don't ask. I wanted to change channel but I was mesmerized by her. After doing some research, I discovered that she's starring in THE OC, season 3. I'm not a fan of the OC, because it's over-dramatic. But now that I know she's in that series, I think I might change my mind. Here's why:

BTW, when I was blogging about this - Michael Jackson's You Rock My World was blasting in the background - hence the entry title. Some sort of divine inspiration. LOL! :-)

Motorola vs Nokia, Sony Ericsson & Samsung

Thought I'd post an opinionative article about mobile phones. The topic may look like spam, because all letters that appear after the word "Motorola" are crap. Crap crap crap crap crap! I was once a steadfast Nokia protagonist, until I discovered Motorola's Razr V3X. I have been Motorolized! Sony Ericsson and Samsung? Pfth! Please...they are not mobile phones to begin with. They are contrived to equilibrize kiasus who think that buying these phones makes them the elite crowd. The elite crowd of gobshites! The same crowd who swears by Firefox. A minority that no-one-gives-a-f**k about. Did I hit the right nerve? :-)

I know that this topic may incur the ira of my visitors. I don't give a bonk! Razr alone has sold more than 50 million units worldwide up to now. Though Nokia is by far the most user-friendly phone of them all, they're in dire need of new designs, else it won't be long before they get blown out of the water.

As for Sony Ericsson, a once big hoo-ha a year or two ago, is about the get their arses whooped by Motorola if they don't buck up. If you want sex appeal - get a Motorola. If you want to date persons of the same sex - get a Sony Ericsson. If you want to be a clown - get a Samsung.

And for the rest of you farts using Siemens, Panasonic, Alcatel, BenQ, NEC, LG - get a life! :-P Hahahaha!

Waitin' on a Sunny Day

It's been a couple of months now that I've been waitin on a sunny day to banish the haze out of my life. Bruce Springsteen's song is the title of my post, "Waitin on a Sunny Day". If you haven't heard of it, go download it and let me know what you think. It encapsulates my current sentiment as I compose this entry. Anyway;

Here's something that you don't know, if you google my name "daniel franklin" and "lyrics", you will catch a list of songs composed by no other than yours truly. I uploaded these songs way back in 1997/98 for fear that my hard disk was about to collapse. It was only a temporary measure, but then I thought, I'll just leave it there. :-)

Here's a list of songs that I penned and uploaded (in my idealistic mind): All Alone On This Dreadful Road, An Unhappy New Year, Angel Of Paradise, Awaiting The Day, Broken Valentine, Everytime I Look Your Way, Heaven Lasts Forever, I Am Yours, I Thought We Had It All, Life Isnt Supposed To Be That Good, Long Road To Heaven, Love Can Last A Lifetime, Miss You Like Crazy, Returning The Faith, Seeking, Shes All On My Mind, Symptoms Of A Madman Those Hazy Days, Who Wants To Live Forever, Will She Ever Forgive Me.

My inspiration for most of these songs? The lady who then went on to appear in a Fair & Lovely commercial ala "While You Were Sleeping - Train Station Scene". I still smile when I think about it. They made her look much darker - a typical marketing dojigger.

Since then, I have amassed a total no less than 50 songs over the last couple of years, the last song I penned was my first attempt of a Malay song - Kembalilah, in 2005 June. These days I scarcely play my guitar. Hmmmm...somebody inspire me!

Also, if you haven't observed, I've embarked on a mini-project for the blog, i.e. adding snappy NEW songs of my discernment (see right menu under "RECOMMENDED NEW MUSIC", and shall be updating it every week. The songs are listed in no particular order. REMEMBER - the song starts to load when you click play, so if you click to play all the songs at one go, you're in for a hefty waiting period - unless you have a fast internet line. Enjoy! :-)

"I'm waitin, waitin on a sunny day, gonna chase the clouds away, waitin on a sunny day....
Hard times, baby well they come to us all
Sure as the tickin of the clock on the wall
Sure as the turnin of the night into day" - Bruce Springsteen's Waitin' on a Sunny Day

A Kate Beckinsale Moment

Breaking Benjamin - Diary of Jane

Something's getting in my way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane

The Commendation of Spicy Beef Foldover

Completely gratifying indeed. I haven't sampled the chicken, but the spicy beef foldover is zestful! Regrettably, there's not much meat in it, as seen in the pic above. I've had this thrice already. Excellent. I'm a beef devotee - there's a Teppanyaki eatery that I frequent on the lower grounds of Midvalley - some 4 years now. RM10.90 for the beef teppanyaki - affordably succulent.

YES!! I've bought my INXS ticket! Woohoo!

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll

Oyve! Oyve! Don't cha wanna watcha gyrating dolls that is?! Haha! Apparently the blumbos are looking for that seventh member (or in this case - pussycat) to meow horny goats to buy their records. I don't buy records, I use LIMEWIRE. Viva la piracy! These cats started as a revolving group of dancers some 10 years ago, with celebrities like Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera and Christina Applegate part of the ensemble.

The president of the program claims it's all about female empowerment, self-discovery and transformation. Right... and Vin Diesel's gay, oh wait a minute, he is gay! LOL! girls dancing around in tight outfits. Perhaps Kurara Chibana might give it a shot?

So, if you have a doll face or have defaced a doll, here's your big break! Finally, that Tom Jones' song is gonna be answered - What's new pussycat?

I Hate Durians!

King of Fruits my ass! I don't know who bobbed up with that moniker, but seriously, I met many mortals who disfavor the fruit. It shouldn't even be called a fruit! Elephant droppings sound better. Maybe there's a reason why it's thorny, so that no one opens it. But, humans, inquisitive as always, repugned the laws of nature. I started this post because some crumby boob smuggled in durians to the office yesterday. You could smell the malodor - all 7700 sq ft of it, a foul-smelling odour contaminated the atmosphere.

The aroma - best described as pig-shit, effluent and onions, garnished with a gym sock. Thank God that durians are prohibited from establishments such as hotels, subways and airports.

It also famously appeared on Fear Factor - as an ingredient to a blended concoction of pig-brains, rooster testicles and cow eyes. I would rather eat fried cockroach than durians. If I was the contestant on Fear Factor, I would've chuck up the sponge. "Look, testicles and eyes are okay, but durians? No way, that's out of order!", and storm out of the place.

Apparently, in Thailand and Indonesia, durian-flavored condoms used to be sold at 7-Eleven. WTF?

Durians have also caused a terror alert. Oh how I wished that guns are legalized in Malaysia, so I could go around popping people eating durians. I'd be martyrized. St Daniel - The Durian Adversary - though I think some unhappy Catholic Christians may form a new Protestant denomination, the Assembly of Durians. LOL!

Live Free or Die Hard

Yippee Kai Yay Motherf**ker! Bruce Willis just won't conk out. The 51-year-old dude has contracted out to a fourth Die Hard movie, June 29th 2007.

The film, titled Live Free or Die Hard, (imagine if this was a porn film - LOL!) features his John McClane attempting to stop a techno-terrorist on the Fourth of July. It will be directed by Underworld: Evolution filmmaker Len Wiseman. Hmmm...perhaps we get to see McClane battling vampires and werewolves? No one will ever make black leather tights look good like Kate Beckinsale did! :-)

Another "oldie" looking to revive one of his iconic action characters. Stallone will be starring in Rocky Balboa (oh no - not another Rocky film!) and Harrison Ford, possibly a 4th Indiana Jones movie (I think it could be too little too late).

Die Hard (1988) = 7/10
Die Hard 2 : Die Harder (1990) = 8/10
Die Hard With a Vengeance (1995) = 6/10

It was BRUCE WILLIS' DIE HARD in 1988 that made many action films imitated the template of a lone hero taking on a team of villains by himself. Die Hard on a bus la, Die Hard on a submarine la, Die Hard on a plane la...all that chintzy mimicries.

2007 Sequels read: Shrek 3 (should be enjoyable), Harry Potter 4 (the stupid franchise continues), Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (Jack Sparrow!), Ocean's Thirteen (Zzzzzz), Spider-Man 3 (YES!!), Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer (Jessica Alba in a body suit. :-) ), Evan Almighty (I hated Bruce Almighty), The Bourne Ultimatum (not another Matt Damon flick!), and Alien vs. Predator 2 (WTF?).

Lady In The Water Should've Stayed There!

First of all, before I delve into my spider appetences, let me just state that M Shyamalan has lost the plot. It's been a downward spiral for the bloke since hitting jackpot with THE SIXTH SENSE. His latest flick, LADY IN THE WATER, only reasserts that he's gone bonkers! I watched the movie @ Cathay last night (9:45pm) and was desperately hoping that there will be a twist to show what a flawed genius this fella is. He proved me otherwise - there is no twist! It's a jaw-dropping calamity. Shyamalan casts himself as a writer whose ideas will inspire a future leader who will save the world?! WTF?! The most garbled movie I have ever seen, so shambolic that I rate it a 1/10. That's it then - no more misfiring Shyamalan for me!

If you're hoping for blockbuster movies in 2006, don't hold your breathe because it looks like we're heading into a dearth period until next year. And please, no way is the new James Bond ever a blockbuster!

I'll just have to appease my soul waiting for SPIDERMAN 3 next May 2007. Apparently the hoi polloi of SONY has formally embarked on a
blog about Spiderman 3, where we could eke out the latest scoop on the webbed one.

Gallivanting @ The Curve & Hartamas

2 nights in a row - I've done a "groundhog day". I went to the Curve last Friday and then stubbed out the night in Hartamas, intoxicated. Curve's street doodah is effing overrated. It has a pleasant setting, but is pandered for the wrong crowd. The nighlife there is crumby. Why then did I go 2 days in a row you ask? Well, the first day was to buy movie tickets to Pirates 2 for Saturday.

I have never thoroughly gallivanted Curve, and that I did on Friday. We vagabonded the area for a decent meal, and somehow wound up on the 1st floor in some cheesy Italian joint called 1920. Apart from Pizza, there's absolutely NOTHING that I love from Italy. :-P

Downed a jug of beer in Slippery Senoritas before ditching the gimpy Curve to head off to Hartamas. We went to the familiar Olde Tavern for my best-loved beer (if you call it beer), KILKENNY. After a pint of that, and listening to some 3rd rate band, we gadded to Karma's where Jack Daniel's kept us company for the rest of the night. I know the DJ very well, we go back 15 years. I was very active in the church back then, and was an avid caroler for 5 straight years. I played the guitar and dallied the bongo too. Those churchgoing days are behind me now. I've been to church 10 times in the last 10 years - only during X'mas eve. I see no other cause for attending mass, perhaps when I turn 50 years old, and afraid of dying, I'll go to church to repent like the rest of the old folks. LOL! IF I do remain in my religion that is... :-)

Karma was jammed, men-women ratio was 2 to 1. Good hip hop music but it veered away to some moronic reggaethon tunes and also the much scornfully bastardized bhangra version of Dre's classic, Next Episode. And, the women, mostly Indians, were poseurs. They thought they were all that, and that kept me amused. We then drifted to Bojangles for beer. Nothing to promulgate about that joint, except that the DJ usually spins most of my requests. He was probably short on ideas. LOL!

We did a similar sashay on Saturday, barring the skanky Italian food. Watched Pirates and then headed off to Hartamas to mop up the remaining bottle of JD @ Karma. We spent a longer time in Bojangles where I switched to Stout. What a binging weekend!

My thoughts on Pirates 2, I enjoyed it. There were some tacky slapsticks, but it overall had a good vibe. A 7/10 for me and I looking forward to Pirates 3.

Horoscope Signs & Sexual Escapades

I got this article forwarded by a friend. I read my zodiac sign and agree that it holds water. I'm born under the sign of the Archer. :-)

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns. Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship, it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.

They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.

Mutual masturbation.

A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.

He has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.

She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.

Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!

PISCES (Feb 20 - March 20)
Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands. Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're looking for someone who will go the extra mile to discover all your secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you! One of their least appetizing traits is their ability to become very, very jealous. Sometimes they are so scared of losing the fairy-tale romance that they ruin the happy ending themselves.

Pisces is all about Oral affections!

A copy of the Kama Sutra, since your fish is into almost anything

He is romantic and has the reputation of being a womanizer. The girlfriend of a Piscean man should keep her eye on the ball as he can be a bit flighty. But he does make an excellent lover. He's from the old school that sex should be an almost out of body experience, and if he's showering his attentions on you, you're in for a hell of a good ride!

She needs romance. It's the very air that she breathes. She needs to be held gently and whispered sweet nothings to but when it comes to between the sheets action, she's never happy doing the same ol', same ol' when she knows there are more exciting options at hand.

The Pisces Zesty-zone is their feet! If you want to make Pisces your Love Slave, start with a warm, scented footbath and soak their feet for 10 minutes. Then sit in front of them, cross-legged, and rub their feet firmly through the water. Use kneading motions that run from their ankles to the tips of their toes. After 5 minutes, get a scrub brush and clean their tootsies with lots of TLC, dry them off and lightly massage peppermint oil all over their feet, paying close attention to between their toes. Pisces REALLY gets off on this! Once oiled up, gently kiss each toe, one by one. Then let your tongue take over and you're in baby!

ARIES (March 21 - April 20)
The bonk now/think later God of War, aggression and action! Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive partner.

Always on top and always in charge

Handcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!

The Aries male is loud and domineering! He's from the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep looking! He's the original 5-minute man so if you're turned on by ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he likes sex fast and furious baby!

She views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking.

If you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)
Taureans are ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS, the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires, including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness. When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world.

The one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most comfortable.

A battery powered "erotic massager"

The Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a little boy, but he LOVES making up! He likes to take things slow and gently and can last for hours, always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.

She is great at back massages and sex in general. She makes an art of lovemaking. Just kissing her can bring some men to the big "O". Her touch is gentle and tender, it excites and caresses and when in the mood, she too can go for hours at a time, days on end.

There's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within seconds.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)
Talking about sex is Gemini's favourite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for. They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.

As long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.

Any illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas

He likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He's a lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.

She is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possible for her. She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a car.

Focus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine. Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23)
Love and sex go together for Cancer. They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex and Cancer often feels a little bit guilty after doing the deed because they usually associate sex with babies, especially the women, who either get pregnant at the drop of a hat or take longer than usual. They are turned on by home cooked meals and partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!

Any position that's comfortable and involves Cancer lying flat on their back with all their sensitive areas exposed!

A drink or joint that will relax the overly-cautious crab!

He is a sensitive lover and will put his partner's needs before his own. He has a tenderness about him. If the Cancer guy decides he's in it for the long haul, he'll dowhatever it takes to keep his lover happy in and out of the bedroom. Oh, and he's a BREAST man!

She oozes sexiness and is born to mate. Compliments and kissing will win her over.

Concentrate on the breasts and pecs of Cancer to really get them going. Start by kissing and brushing up against them. Licking the Cancer female's nipple through her top will excite her, but don't 'dive right in' coz you're likely to scare her. It's the complete opposite for the Cancer male who will LOVE it if you get straight to the point. Squeeze his pecs and bite his bod and you'll have him bouncing off the walls in no time!

LEO (July 24 - August 23)
Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is the ultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!

A camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!

You are a good lover because you don't like to fail at anything. You are sexy and have an aura of sexiness that is difficult to deny. But, you will let anyone adore you, so your partner has to make the effort or you will pad off to your next Lioness!

You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex.

A Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo to roll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back scratch, coz if there's one thing cats love, it's a scratch! After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into a snakey pattern on Leo's back. Once Leo is ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and get into the good stuff!

VIRGO (August 24 - September 23)
Virgos have two sides to their personality. The Virgin and the Vixen. They may want you to THINK they are all sweet and virginal, but they are definitely NOT! However, Virgos are looking for a long term partner, not a one night stand or an affair! They tend to seduce with finesse, charm and sublety so you may not even realize you're being lured by a Virgo!! Once Virgo has been in a relationship for awhile, they get engrossed in housework and things like that, which can cause a serious dip in libido.

Almost anything, as long as it involves eye contact!

It's more of a game. Write down five wild sex acts and put them in a bowl. Get Virgo to pick one out at random, and then do what you're told!! Virgo LOVES spontaneous sexuality!

You can be quite boring at times because you have set views on how a woman should be. You don't mean to criticize or offend, but your perfectionist ways may drive your lover loopy! You DO have some kinky ideas though, but it is difficult to get to the bottom of your passion! You are a creature of habit, so if your lover can get you into the habit of sleeping with her, who knows what might happen?

You are hardworking and careful about your appearance, but you really do fantasize about getting down and dirty! You are a secret romantic and crave the perfect lover. Since the perfect lover doesn't exist, you'll take what you can get! You are quite insecure and need a partner who will adore you. You have strong passion beneath that practical exterior and are just waiting for someone to unearth it!

Virgo's have a VERY sexually sensitive tummy!! If you wanna make them putty in your hands, stroke, lick and kiss their stomach!! The area from the bellybutton DOWN! Once you have them squirming, you can have anything you want!! Just remember to keep one hand on their tummy at all times!!

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if Libra can't get what they want from one lover, they will opt for two! They are notorious for having double standards in that situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on me, coz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the least selfish sign of the Zodiac. Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'd rather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you. In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell you exactly what they want.

As long as they are lying down, they're happy!

K.Y. Jelly.

The Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but taming him is a nightmare!

The only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath. Good personal hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base. Librans are very good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.

Libra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please, squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance. When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'? Does it surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)
Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them, knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on a straight face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex. The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.

Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.

Ben Wah Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys

His sexuality is so strong, it will make you dizzy! If you are lucky enough to be with a Scorpio boy, you will always be satisfied! The only thing you don't wanna do is piss him off. Every little thing u do that he doesn't like, he will file away in his little mental rolodex. Piss him off one too many times, and he will wreak his revenge!

She may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is a wildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom. Just don't piss her off either, coz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man, and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other women, or play hard to get, because she will get u back, and it's a game of one-upmanship you will never win.

Since this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash! Without getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, RUB.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 23)
God of money, luck and good times between the sheets. Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! If you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public. When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.

They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.

Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow. You'll be surprised at what happens next!

Even if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely to get it somewhere else.

The Sago woman is a handful She's adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.

Hips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!

CAPRICORN (December 23 - January 20)
Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions, so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all night if they want to!

Spooning - Goat boys and girls love to take, or be taken from behind.

An office desk to "bond" on, or an erotic video will loosen up the randy goat.

Imagination isn't a strong suit for Capricorn so don't expect acrobatics in the sack. Sex with him could possibly be as boring as watching paint dry and he tends to be a little bit selfish in that area too. BUT you can definitely count on him to be faithful if he has committed to you.

She is strong and confident and likes to run the show! She's a tough nut to crack but once inside her shell, she's as sweet as caramel. Her fave position may be missionary, but she seeks excitement in new locations, so experiment with different venues to keep it interesting.

Capricorns are the most anal signs of the zodiac, so buttering them up will take a bit of effort. Believe it or not, their erotic area is the knees! Lightly stroke their legs, paying close attention to the knee region. Licking, kissing, and nibbling the area will get them squirming.